"They thought Godzilla was walking down the street."

Due to my ridiculous stomach issues, it took me all friggin' week to get the season premiere of The Amazing Race recapped. I promise this week will be full of much more interesting posts other than information about my butt.

But there might be some butt posts too. I won't rule it out.

My beloved Amazing Race started it's fifteenth season in the smog-filled beautiful streets of downtown Las Angeles. The race began in the LA River which, for anyone who has every scene it or movies such as "Grease", is not really a river. It's more of a dried up ditch full of, well, nothing. Except maybe prostitutes and homeless people. But I'm just guessing.

Before we begin our race for One MILLION Dollars, let's meet our lovely (and also douchey) contestants.

Brian & Ericka
Brian and Ericka are the race's very first interracial married couple. Apparently that is a big deal, but I didn't even notice. It seemed like the only ones making a big deal about their interracialness was Brian and Ericka. Both seem pretty hot-headed, especially beauty queen Ericka.

Lance & Keri
Just when you think no one could possibly out-douche Season Six's Jonathan and Victoria, the engaged couple from Salem, Massachusetts makes you start questioning all you think you know about douchebaggery. Jonathan, an attorney (just remember that yours truly went to law school so we of course know that not everyone in the legal profession are asshats, right? RIGHT?!), is a total asshat.

Maria & Tiffany
Maria and Tiffany are professional poker players and, as such, have decided to try to bluff all of their fellow contestants. The ruse is that instead of wealthy card players, they are actually very kind-hearted counselors for a homeless shelter in L.A. Totally sketchy, but well-played, ladies.

Zev & Justin
Zev and Justin are best friends from LA. Zev suffers from Aspergers Syndrome (heh heh Ass Burger), which is a mild form of autism. Despite the social awkwardness and his hilarious tendency to say exactly what is on his mind (so awesome), Zev and Justin seem to be a really terrific team.

Mika & Canaan
Oh Jesus. Literally. Mika and Canaan are competitors for Jesus apparently. I'm not fucking with you. They actually think that being Christian is going to help them win the race. The AR site says that "neither one of them has traveled extensively outside of [the country, except for] Canaan's mission trip to Mexico with his church, but they have no doubt that their love will take them to the finish line and the $1 million prize." Their love and Canaan's plan to make Mika sleep with him after they win the million dollars. Because that's what Jesus would want.

Flight Time & Big Easy
Okay, so really these guy's names are Herbert and Nathaniel, but wouldn't you rather be called Flight Time and Big Easy if your name was Herbert or Nathaniel? Not that I'm making fun, because these giants are part of the Harlem Globe trotters and could easy smoosh me (and/or make me wet myself due to their intimidating size).

Sam & Dan
Sam and Dan are brothers from Missouri. Unbeknownst to the rest of the competitors, these two lovely specimens are super gay. Well, not super gay. Just regular gay. Despite that, the brothers plan on using their good lucks and charm to "flirt" with all the single ladies in the race in order to create the appearance of distraction (theirs). I think a few ladies already have their eyes on them and I think it's hilarious that no one's gaydar has gone off yet. (Mine went off roughly 800 times during this one episode.)

Gary & Matt
Gary and Matt are father and son from Montana. Dad seems pretty down to earth and Son seems, well, alternative? I've got to give him credit, it can't be easy living in Montana with hot pink hair and funky gigantic earrings!

Eric & Lisa
These two married yoga teachers are a fun combination of zen and douchebags. Owners of four yoga studios, Eric and Lisa look more like bikers than instructors. I have a feeling all the "life is a blessing" and whatnot is going to get old real quick with this team.

Garrett & Jessica
Garret and Jessica are a couple who have been dating on and off for who knows who long. On the whole, they seem fairly unremarkable so far. But never fear, I'm sure one of them will prove to be insanely annoying soon enough.

Marcy & Ron
Oh Em Gee, could these too be any cuter?! Marcy and Ron are dating a little late in life and are absolutely adorable. Marcy seems to be just one of the sweetness women you'd ever meet and Ron seems pretty laid back (you know, when Marcy lets him get a word in edgewise).

Meghan & Cheyne
Okay, so I know these two didn't get to names themselves, but what is up with the funking spellings?! For those of you who haven't watched the show yet, "Cheyne" is actually pronounced "Shane". And don't even get me started on the unnecessary "h" in Meghan's name. Oy. Anywho, these two are dating from San Diego and actually seem okay despite their names. Oh, and they met "playing a competitive game of tetherball in elementary school." Really, though?

Okay, now that we've met our friendly contestants, let's start the race!!

This year there is a new challenge at the beginning of the race: just beyond the team's backpacks is the first challenge. The last team to complete the challenge will be Philiminated!!

The teams attack their backpacks and find that they will first travel to Tokyo if they can complete the first challenge.


Route Info
SHINAGAWA DISTRICT LICENSE PLATE
The teams are faced with a wall of 1000 license plates. They must find the correct plate that indicates the Shinagawa District of Tokyo, which coincidentally is their first destination. (Here's a clue: how about the one that matches the symbol on the clue? Just a guess...).

It takes a while for the teams to, you know, read their clue and notice the symbol at the top, but once they do Maria & Tiffany shoot in to First Place, with Marcy & Ron and Meghan & Cheyne close behind.

The two teams to be the last ones searching for the correct license plate are the two asshat teams: Eric & Lisa and Lance & Keri. And the first team to be Philiminated? Eric & Lisa. They just beat out their fellow douches, the Massachusetts lawyer, by a hair. Luckily, they “set [the other teams] free” of the burden of being the first ones eliminated and “took the shame for everybody”. Whew! Better them than, well, anyone else (except maybe the other asshats).

The two planes to Tokyo left 30 minutes apart with the second flight arriving…wait for it…a half an hour early. So all teams arrived in Tokyo at roughly the same time!


Route Info
TRAVEL BY TAXI AND PROCEED TO THE TOKYO TOWER STUDIOS
The teams must travel by taxi to the base of the Tokyo Tower where they will find a television studio awaiting their arrival.

Once they arrive at the studios, the teams learned quickly that they were the next stars on a Japanese game show. The game is called “Sushi Roulette”. AWESOME. Contestants must play roulette until they get a gigantic ball of wasabi. Then they must eat the entire roll in under two minutes.

In case you’ve never eaten wasabi before, it is a vile green version of death. I can't even handle eating a pea-size amount of the stuff, let alone a ball of it the size of my fist!! Bleck!

Marcy & Ron and Zev & Justin land on a wasabi roll on the first spin and are the first teams to finish the challenge.


Route Info
TEAMS MUST LEAD A GROUP OF 20 TOURISTS TO KONNO HACHIMANGU SHRINE
Each team must take a color coded group of twenty tourists, who are watching the show in the studio, through the chaotic streets of Tokyo. Seems pretty easy, right?

Marcy & Ron begin to lead their groups of tourists through the streets of Tokyo, yelling for anyone who speaks English to help them.

Meanwhile, Maria lands on a wasabi roll and is seconds away from finishing it when time runs out. (Un)luckily for her, she hits another wasabi roll on the very next spin of the wheel! Thankfully for her taste buds, she pounded it down and finished the roll with seconds left on the clock.

One by one the teams face the roulette wheel and conquer the roll of death. Well, Brian almost pukes on himself and then is seconds away from finishing (like Maria) and has to do it all over again. But most of the teams murder it pretty quickly. Sam and/or Dan (because, really, who can keep all the teams straight at this point in the game) even finish it in under a minute!

Somehow, on the way to the Shrine, Meghan & Cheyne pass up everyone and win a ski trip and First Place! Where are Marcy & Ron?

Zev & Justin come in second and Lance & Keri (yay?) are third.

Seriously, where the hell are Marcy & Ron?

Finally coming in fourth are Marcy & Ron (oh, there they are) followed by Flight Time & Big Easy, Brian & Ericka, Gary & Matt and Garrett & Jessica. Okay, really, did I catch Garrett asking Japanese people where the shrine was in SPANISH?

Sam & Dan pull in at 9th with Mika & Canaan close behind, but oops, Mika & Canaan are missing a tourist! Haha! Their tourist was just around the corner though, and they literally drag her in to the shrine to solidify their 10th ranking.

Meanwhile, the poker players/homeless child protectors/big fat liars are searching Tokyo for TWO lost tourists! I can’t handle how hilarious this show is when the retarded teams can’t do something simple like, you know, not lose people.

Maria & Tiffany come in last, missing their tourists. Luckily, for them, it is a non-elimination round, but they will suffer a 2-hour penalty for letting some old Japanese ladies die on the streets of Tokyo and will face a SPEED BUMP sometime on the next leg.


Route Info
HO CHI MINH CITY
The next night/morning, teams must go to the local bus station and ride on a 2-hour trip to CAI BE. There, they must race on foot to a boat dock for their next clue.

During this leg we learn that Canaan is “sexually pure” and a “diamond in the rough”, according to Mika. Excuse me while I barf.

Oh wait, now Lance, the Lawyer, out-jackassed the Duo Racing for Jesus. He was all bent out of shape that Maria & Tiffany hit a non-elimination round (“Bastards should’ve been sent home.”). Nice.

Hilariously, the Poker girls are outed by local tourist who recognized them and all the teams soon learn that they tried to bluff their way through the race. Surprisingly, the gay brothers, Sam & Dan, may be teaming up with them anyway.

At the bus stop, teams are split in to two groups. The second group isn’t scheduled to leave for an hour after the first bus, but after each team ponied up money, they convinced the bus driver to leave early.

In the end, all the teams end up having to wait overnight for the next task anyway (wah wah). Each team is getting bitchier and bitchier as they get to know one another is soggy wet Vietnam and it's kind of awesome.


Road Block
RACE TO MUD PITS
Working together, the teams must collect mud from some weird mud pit area and carry the mud to an orchard where they will fertilize fruit tree sufficiently before getting their next clue.


Speed Bump
While all the other teams open their Road Block Clue, Maria & Tiffany face the Speed Bump task. It is an extra task that only they must complete. In this Speed Bump, they must find a local soup vendor and combine ingredients to make soup and serve it to a local to get their next clue.

While everyone promptly gets stuck in the mud, the poker gals quickly complete their task (because, really, how hard is making soup?).

Meghan & Cheyne power through the mud task and finish first, just ask Poker girls arrive. Garrett & Jessica finish in second with Brian and Ericka pulling out third.


Route Info
CAI BE FIELD
Teams must take their boats to Cai Be Field to find their next task.

While going down to their boat, Justin fell in to the water and possibly lost their clue. Without the clue, they have no idea where are supposed to go (and I think it's against the rules to lose a clue...) They are beyond lucky and find the clue literally hanging on the edge of the boat when they return to search for it.


Road Block
WHO’S FEELING JUST DUCKY?
One team member has ten minutes to herd 150 ducks through a course and in to a pen. Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong. They can only use some traditional duck herding sticks with flags to get the birds moving and it definitely takes patience to get this task accomplished quickly.

First done with the task are Sam & Dan. Greg & Matt, who being from Montana, are "no strangers to herding animals" come in second with Flight Time and Big Easy close behind.


Route Info
PIT STOP
Teams will continue to their first Pit Stop of the race: The Bassac III Riverboat.

Sam & Dan are having alpha males problems, while Canaan and Mika are having we-are-totally-hypocritical-douchebags problems. Meanwhile, Jessica & Ericka both suffer many failed attempts at duck whispering. But Ericka *just* beats out Jessica on the task.

Surprisingly, Gary & Matt sneak ahead and notice the marker before the other teams to snag First Place.

The other teams come in as such:
2nd: Flight Time & Big Easy
3rd: Sam & Dan
4th: Lance & Keri
5th: Zev & Justin
6th: Meghan & Cheyne
7th: Maria & Tiffany (they are super smart for having ROLLING backpacks. Fucking brilliant!!)
8th: Mika & Canaan
9th: Marcy & Ron
10th: Brian & Ericka

And the second team to be Philiminated is...Garrett & Jessica

In response to Garrett's totally inappropriate reaction to being Auf'd, Phil asked worriedly, “Does he get angry like this?”

This is gonna be a great season.